I. Interpersonal communication is a unique form of communication.
- The most common and pervasive mode of communication, it occurs whenever two people engage in face-to-face interaction.
- It has unique characteristics that distinguish it from other kinds of communication.
- It is very direct and personal; dyadic communicators can get to know one another intimately.
- Because it is immediate, the quality of feedback is high.
- It is spontaneous: communicators rarely plan their contributions in advance.
- Finally, the roles of speaker and listener are freely exchanged
- According to the developmental view, communication becomes interpersonal over time.
- As communicators learn more intimate details about one another, begin to predict and anticipate each other's behaviors, and formulate their own rules, dyadic communication becomes interpersonal.
- Over time, individuals move from the cultural, through the sociological, to the psychological level, where true interpersonal communication occurs.
- We communicate interpersonally for several reasons:
- Dyads provide comfort and support.
- Interpersonal communication initially forms our self-concepts.
- Interpersonal communication allows us to validate, maintain, and even change identities over time
- Communicators must balance the demands of a relationship with their own personal needs.
- They must recognize three major dialectics.
- They must resolve expressive and protective dialectics, balancing the need to share personal information with the need to maintain privacy.
- They must face the autonomy-togetherness dialectic, deciding how interdependent to be.
- Finally, they must come to terms with the novelty-predictability dialectic, repeating familiar patterns, while exploring new patterns.
- They must find a way to resolve dialectical tensions.
- They can use dialectical emphasis, choosing one extreme.
- They can use pseudosynthesis to try to satisfy both extremes at once.
- Their best choice is to use reaffirmation to accept the fact that relationships alternate between extremes.
- In addition to the three dialectical tensions outlined above, couples use communication to resolve a series of other issues that define the shape their relationships will take.
- By working out where they stand on basic issues they create relational profiles.
- Partners must continue to confront these issues throughout the life of the relationship.
- Couples must avoid dysfunctional communication patterns.
- One problem occurs when partners are caught in rigid role relations.
- In a complementary relationship, one partner dominates and the other submits
- In competitive symmetry, both try to outdo the other.
- In submissive symmetry, both try to relinquish control.
- Another dysfunctional pattern occurs when partners disconfirm one another, rejecting the other's worth as a human being.
- Through impervious responses, we ignore one another, signaling our partner is not worthy of attention.
- Through interrupting responses, we indicate that another's comments are unimportant.
- Irrelevant responses tell partners they have no right to direct the conversation.
- Tangential responses briefly acknowledge but then ignore the other's contribution.
- Impersonal responses place barriers between communicators.
- Incoherent responses signal tension and discomfort.
- Incongruous responses are confusing and contradictory.
- Some couples habitually send double messages that are confusing and disorienting.
- Contradictory messages, or paradoxes, are destructive forms of communication.
- An especially damaging type of message is the double-bind.
- Occasionally, behavior by one partner will intensify the behavior of the other, causing the relationship to spiral out of control.
- Couples experience identifiable stages as they pass through relationships.
- Couples pass through five stages on the way to intimacy.
- In the initiating stage, they use communication to create favorable impressions and gather information.
- During the experimenting stage, couples search for common ground and begin to reveal their personalities.
- During the intensifying stage, individuals make initial moves toward greater intimacy, working out unique communication rules.
- In the integrating stage, individuals communicate in ways so as to reveal they are a couple and test each other to see how strong the relationship is.
- Once all tests are passed, individuals legitimate their relationship through a public ritual called bonding.
- Throughout the journey toward intimacy, couples increase the depth and breadth of their communication. If the relationship dissolves, the opposite occurs.
- There are also identifiable stages in the dissolution of relationships.
- During differentiation, members stress differences rather than similarities.
- In circumscribing, communication topics become constrained.
- Stagnating is characterized by silence and inactivity.
- In the avoiding stage, partners separate physically.
- In the terminating stage, people come to terms with the fact the relationship is over.
- During relational dissolution, individuals must resolve the breakup in personal and social ways.
- In the intrapsychic stage, the individual works alone to decide what to do about the relationship.
- In the dyadic phase, partners confront one another.
- In the social phase, outsiders are informed.
- In the grave-dressing phase, couples rationalize the breakup.
- Of course, we do not find all relational partners equally attractive. Some are eliminated early on and never go through the stages outline above.
- One way to think of attraction is as a process of elimination.
- We use four sets of cues to filter out unacceptable partners.
- The first filter consists of sociological or incidental cues.
- The second consists of preinteraction cues like physical beauty and dress.
- A third filter occurs after initial contact and consists of interaction cues.
- Cognitive cues constitute the last and most important filter.
- By understanding basic interpersonal processes, observing our own and others' behavior closely, and by practicing new skills, we can become better at interpersonal communication.
- Learning to self-disclose effectively is an important interpersonal skill.
- Self-disclosure occurs when one person voluntarily tells another person things about himself which the other is unlikely to know or discover from other sources.
- To disclose effectively, we should understand a few basic principles.
- Not all statements about the self are true self-disclosures.
- We should not disclose to everyone: self-disclosure is not appropriate in all relationships.
- It's important to consider the effect disclosure may have on others.
- We should choose the right time and place to disclose.
- Disclosure should be related to the "here and now."
- Disclosure should be gradual.
- Disclosure should be reciprocal.
- Knowing how to respond to others' disclosures by listening empathically is also important for good communication.
- There are several ways to respond to others, each with advantages and disadvantages.
- When we offer a plan of action, we are using an advising and evaluating response.
- This response can cut short discussion.
- It's best if people work out what to do on their own.
- We use analyzing and interpreting responses to uncover meanings and motivations in others' behaviors.
- This works only if we know the other very well.
- This method may make the other feel defensive.
- Using a reassuring and supporting response is an option.
- This method can help calm a person.
- It may diminish the importance of the problem.
- To gather more information, we use questioning and probing responses.
- This method can force the other to consider the problem more fully.
- It can cause defensiveness.
- Finally, we can use a paraphrasing and understanding response by turning the other's comments into a reflective statement.
- Paraphrasing is usually considered the best initial alternative.
- It allows the sender to check his/her perceptions and signal concern; it allows the other to hear what he or she is saying.
- It should not be a word-for-word repetition.
- It is important to be able to give clear feedback when we need to confront another.
- We should always acknowledge our own messages.
- We should not apologize for having feelings.
- We should make messages specific and behavioral.
- Verbal and nonverbal behaviors should support one another.
- We should avoid evaluating and interpreting others.